7.27.2007

Who I Am

Mood: Depressed
Watching: Intervention

Maybe it was the depressing talk I had with my mom.. maybe it's the fact I'm watching Intervention. Maybe it's the fact I wish I had a job so badly.

But here is who I am.
I am an addict, just as much as someone hooked on drugs or gambling. But my addiction of choice is food. Most people just laugh at that. They use words like 'undiscipled' 'lazy' 'pathetic'.
I have an addictive personality, that's one of my problems. I do or have something fun, and I want more of it. More and more and more. It doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't matter what else I forsake to get it. A prime example of this is FFXI. I was so addicted to playing that, I turned off most other things in my life. Including most of my friends.
Another of my problems is that I have a depressed personality. I'm not just saying that, I've been diagnosed as such by professionals. And to deal with the emotional trouble I have, I've always had, I use things to remove myself from having to think about my life. That's a big part of why I got into RP'ing. Video games. It was an escape. I could, for a little bit, pretend to be someone else. Someone I actually wanted to be. Someone who wasn't me.
I have always had these sorts of problems, but only recently did I realize it. Alot of my problems stem from my brother. And I don't mean his death, though that was a big part of it. All my life it was like I was in competition with him. I was the adopted son, he was my parents' natural son. I know they don't see a difference, they never have. But somewhere deep inside of me.. I do. And I hate that I do.
I often get to the point where I eat so much that it's hard for me to breath. Or I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's as if the more I eat, the better I will feel emotionally. And of course, everytime I do this I just feel more awful about myself. I usually won't eat when I'm hungry, I'll just eat to occupy myself. And often it won't be a conscious decision to do this. I'll have this urge to eat something. Anything.
My weight is the main reason I haven't had a date in a long time. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, I hate what I am so much that I can't imagine being close to another person. I don't want to make them as disgusted as I constantly feel. I really have no one in my life in that regard. I have my family.. and I have my online friends. And while I do love them all.. well what kind of life is that? Not a good kind, that's what. All of them have their own lives.. and I am so envious of that. But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to be comfortable enough to be with someone else socially.. even just hanging out. And that is a fact that just makes me more depressed.. it makes me cry sometimes. And what am I crying for? Because I know my life was a wasted life. If I were to end it now.. yes there would be a void. But it wouldn't last. They'd clean out my apartment, someone would take all of my electronics, and that's about it. I have nothing, nothing to call a legacy. And there is no real prospect that I ever will. That's what I want most in my life I think. Someone to love. Really love. And someone who loves me, and who I can be with and not think to myself 'she really doesnt like me because of my weight'.
I knwo what you're thinking. "So lose the weight." It's just that simple, isn't it? I've tried before.. and I have.. but it doesn't last, does it? My addiction is just to strong. It has a stranglehold on my life, literally. And it's a monster that won't give up. I'm not one of my RP characters, I can't fight monsters.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not having money. Of not having a job. Of having all this weight. Of not having a life.

I'm just tired of it all.

1 comment:

Oprah said...

You write very well.

About Me

So what about me.. I'm a geek. Born and bred. My mom often says I'm just a big kid. A.. a really big kid. I live in Massillon, Ohio. I like sketching, coloring on the comp, video games.. and all other things a self proclaimed geek would dig. Hi Nessa, Chris, Rua and Ash! And hi Mary! I'm currently unemployed, but workin hard to change that. Workin.. really hard. oi. Welcome to my blog!!