Who I Am

Mood: Depressed
Watching: Intervention

Maybe it was the depressing talk I had with my mom.. maybe it's the fact I'm watching Intervention. Maybe it's the fact I wish I had a job so badly.

But here is who I am.
I am an addict, just as much as someone hooked on drugs or gambling. But my addiction of choice is food. Most people just laugh at that. They use words like 'undiscipled' 'lazy' 'pathetic'.
I have an addictive personality, that's one of my problems. I do or have something fun, and I want more of it. More and more and more. It doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't matter what else I forsake to get it. A prime example of this is FFXI. I was so addicted to playing that, I turned off most other things in my life. Including most of my friends.
Another of my problems is that I have a depressed personality. I'm not just saying that, I've been diagnosed as such by professionals. And to deal with the emotional trouble I have, I've always had, I use things to remove myself from having to think about my life. That's a big part of why I got into RP'ing. Video games. It was an escape. I could, for a little bit, pretend to be someone else. Someone I actually wanted to be. Someone who wasn't me.
I have always had these sorts of problems, but only recently did I realize it. Alot of my problems stem from my brother. And I don't mean his death, though that was a big part of it. All my life it was like I was in competition with him. I was the adopted son, he was my parents' natural son. I know they don't see a difference, they never have. But somewhere deep inside of me.. I do. And I hate that I do.
I often get to the point where I eat so much that it's hard for me to breath. Or I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's as if the more I eat, the better I will feel emotionally. And of course, everytime I do this I just feel more awful about myself. I usually won't eat when I'm hungry, I'll just eat to occupy myself. And often it won't be a conscious decision to do this. I'll have this urge to eat something. Anything.
My weight is the main reason I haven't had a date in a long time. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, I hate what I am so much that I can't imagine being close to another person. I don't want to make them as disgusted as I constantly feel. I really have no one in my life in that regard. I have my family.. and I have my online friends. And while I do love them all.. well what kind of life is that? Not a good kind, that's what. All of them have their own lives.. and I am so envious of that. But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to be comfortable enough to be with someone else socially.. even just hanging out. And that is a fact that just makes me more depressed.. it makes me cry sometimes. And what am I crying for? Because I know my life was a wasted life. If I were to end it now.. yes there would be a void. But it wouldn't last. They'd clean out my apartment, someone would take all of my electronics, and that's about it. I have nothing, nothing to call a legacy. And there is no real prospect that I ever will. That's what I want most in my life I think. Someone to love. Really love. And someone who loves me, and who I can be with and not think to myself 'she really doesnt like me because of my weight'.
I knwo what you're thinking. "So lose the weight." It's just that simple, isn't it? I've tried before.. and I have.. but it doesn't last, does it? My addiction is just to strong. It has a stranglehold on my life, literally. And it's a monster that won't give up. I'm not one of my RP characters, I can't fight monsters.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not having money. Of not having a job. Of having all this weight. Of not having a life.

I'm just tired of it all.