And In The End..

The Love You Take Is Equal To The Love You Make

One of my fave lines from the Beatles. I been thinkin about it all day because last night I watched a concert called 'Rain', it was a Beatles tribute band. The best I've seen so far. It was real amazing.

Star Wars is on right now, episode 4. And I'm listening to Howard Stern right now. Doesn't get much better than this!

For a while I've been wanting to catch you up on a couple things. 2 of my most prized possessions, heh. The first is my car! I had to buy a car last year, mostly cause I had to. The last one broke down, wasn't worth fixin. So my cousin hooked me up, he worked at a car dealership. A 2004 Monte Carlo! It's maybe the nicest car I've ever owned. No, I take that back. it IS the nicest car I've ever owned! I so love it. I love it so much.. I got cool license plates! I used my nickname at work for 'em!

That's right, Big Sexy! She's perty, ain't she? How much do I love this shade of red? I get compliments on it all the time!

And the other is my iPod touch! Which Nade knows about, heh. It's really awesome. Yes, I spent to much on it, but it was worth it. I can listen to satellite radio on it, I can check the weather, my e-mail, get online, and of course listen to music. I have over 2000 songs on it. Mainsteam music, opera, orchestral, jazz, blues, anime songs, video game themes, the whole shabang. We listen to it at work, just hook up to some comp speakers we have in the lab. I can get alot of apps on it.. got alot of fun games on it. Me and Cody have been playin the golf game I got for it.

My Facebook has really opened my eyes. I've made contact with so many people I never thought I would! Me and Jason Farnham has been contactin each other on e-mail. I'm really happy for him. And yes, his music is amazing. But I've always thought that. I've always been jealous of his ability to play the piano, even when our music teacher fawned over him in high school! I remember that! hahaha. He's got an incredible career, and I'm proud to say 'I knew him way back!'. He was one my best pals in school. Check out his website, it'll blow you away http://www.jasonfarnham.com/home.html

I saw G.I. Joe yesterday. I have to say, I liked it! I went in expecting the worst, based on what I heard from critics. But it was.. good! Yes, kind of cheesy and predictible in parts.. but what movie based on a cartoon isn't? I loved the show and comics. And the toys, especially. How many bucks did my and Eulic dump into Hasbro cause of G.I. Joe?!
Snake Eyes, as I expected, was the effin pimp. For me, he was really the star of the movie. Scarlet is friggin sexy, which I didnt see comin. I do wish Cobra Commander's mask/helmet was better. Shoulda been the straight up chrome featureless helmet or the hood. That would be cool. The action was great, the chase scene was fantastic! And the ending was suprising to me.. I wish I could go into it, but I won't. Don't wanna spoil it for anyone.

Next I'm gonna go see District 9, which looks awesome. Howard Stern thought it was the best movie he's seen in a while. I can't wait.

Continuing the movie tangent, footage from Iron Man2 has been leaked from Comic Con. The link: http://www.movieweb.com/news/NE4hr76deQXy76 What do I take from this? How much trouble Tony Stark is having on a personal basis.. Mickey Rourke as Whiplash (I think) looks friggin awesome.. WAR MACHINE.. Samuel L, saynomore.. it just looks like it's shapin up to be an amazing film.

Where The Wild Things Are looks like it could be amazing, too. I loved the book when I was a kid, and it just looks like a really good film! It looks like it could be very touching, which I hope it would be. And James Gandolfini is in it! Tony Soprano! He's one of my faves! Here, check out this trailer. It's the best. http://movies.yahoo.com/premieres/14932869/standardformat/ "You are now the king, and you will be a truly great king"

Speaking of touching movies, I watched 'Spirited Away' over the weekend. How much I love this movie. I love most of Miyazaki's movies, but this one was special. Miyazaki wanted to make a movie with a main character that little girls could really look up to, he felt that had been lacking in cinema. And he must be right. Spirited Away is the top grossing film of all time in Japan, beating out Titanic. It's just a real special movie. If you have a chance, I highly recommend. I think tonight or tomorrow I'll watch Mononoke Hime.. maybe my fave Miyazaki film of all time.
And in case you're interested, the trailer for Spirited Away: http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1808405164/trailer and Mononoke Hime: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkWWWKKA8jY

Okay, gonna go finish dinner. Talk to y'all soon!


Zero Puncuation!

Here's some of the more recent Zero Puncuation video game reviews. If you're a gamer, or a laugher, then check them out. The reviews are as follows:
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/822-Overlord-2 Overlord 2
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/834-Red-Faction-Guerrilla Red Factiom: Guerilla
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/844-Wii-Sports-Resort Wii Sports Resort



Always Here

Well tomorrow is the Dave Matthews concert. I'm hoping on going. It's going to be really good. Won't be my first time seein 'em in concert, hopefully won't be my last.
They were on Dave Letterman last night, did a song from their new album.

I dont know if I mentioned it here, but I've seen many of the summer films I've been wanting to get to. And.. some I havent wanted to see but have. Let's see.. Watchmen, Wolverine, Star Trek, Transformers 2 .. harry potter (because I got blackmailed damn you!) .. I want to see GI Joe when it comes out, 2 weeks I think. As well as 'Where The Wild Things Are'. It's a book I loved as a kid, and all.

Oh, and speaking of Facebook.. I made a Facebook thing on a whim. I really didnt know if I would even attempt to update it at all. I see it as little more than a glorified MySpace, which I'm not a fan of either. But.. yeah I have a MySpace page too.. but I never update it, or even look in it's direction. ANYwho. Like the day after I make the Facebook page.. all these people start adding me. I'm like.. whoosh.. And most of them were my friends from school! Holy crap! People I haven't heard from in forever (which is my doing, really) are suddenly adding me! I'm like.. really happy about that! And before I make these next statements.. if I don't mention you, please don't be mad. I put down those who shine brightest in my memories.. you're all there, of course. I do love you all.
So anywho.. Chad Lautzenheiser, who I remember as being a great pal when I was a kid. I remember going to his house and just having fun. I seem to remember he had an awesome basement, for some reason. Hah. I still drive past the place he used to live.
Jimmy Arrigo, me and him hung out alot in high school. One thing I do remember is how much he disliked my brother! haha, I remember once him asking if he could beat up my brother! How funny is that..
Steve Mautz, he was in band, if I remember. I mean.. I wasn't, but that's one of the things I remember about him. And we worked at Subway together shortly! I feel so awful when I see him, because we were working together one night, and I quit that night! I like totally bailed on him! Now easy, lemme explain. Subway at the time was my second job. And frankly I couldn't handle it. Yeah I really could handled it better. heh..
Dan Haizlip. Mah boy. I met him in sixth grade.. and he's the one who really got me into comic books and drawing. I called him my very first muse! We would make comic books.. like draw on notebook paper and staple themtogether. His were always awesome, mine were ripoffs of other things. hehe. He always had a real talent, he taught me so much. He had an awesome house too!
Those are my most notable recent additions in Facebook, those who I just lost contact with. How much we've all changed, but we haven't changed at all. I'm still the goof who likes to draw and play video games more than real work. Huzzah!

Rua my love.. I hate to admit when you are right. Because.. well you are right so much. Serenity has become one of my favorite movies. I remember how much you loved the show.. well Jayne (sp) specifically.. and I couldn't get into it, and I remember how much I just didn't like it. But.. well the movie was frickin awesome. I watch it whenever I see it on, and I'm working on DL'ing it. Feh.. teh fox wins agains..

Did you know I have heel spurs? Well I do! And they are not fun. My left foot is all like.. enflamed or something, from me being on it so much. Yeah I know, my weight doesn't help either. Anyone, I have this problem, and I got pills for it. To take down the inflamation and help with the heel spurs. But they didnt do much, and now i'm out of them. I need to hit up the doctor again, get more. Get something more powerful too.

I think that's it for now. I need to get back to City of Heroes. There's rescuing to be done, after all!

Wait.. I want to tell you about something funny. Ya know Cody is one of my best pals. He's the guy I work with, my lead in fact. And we have a good time at work. Pulling pranks on each other or other departments. Rita (whom I also work with) calls us the weasley brothers of Talecris. I.. don't know what that means, but it sounds funny. Anywho.. he thinks me listening to Dave Matthews so much is dumb. He says I could be homosexual because I like him so much. I mean they're my fave band of all time. Just are. Anywho.. he said the only way he'd ever buy an album is if I did go to the concert, and it was being recorded, and I yelled out "FUCK YOU CODY! I LOVE YOU DAVE!" So that's what I'm going to do! Cody just doesn't know good music when he hears it! So there!


Zero Punctuation: Ghostbusters: The Video Game

Here's this week's video game review by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw. I love his stuff. It's fuckin hillarious. Check it out, yes?

Been A Long Time, Been A Long Time

Well it's been.. almost a week short of forever since I've updated my blog!
And now here we are.

First off, I like my job. I'm a plasma processor at Talecris Plasma Resources. I like most of the people I work with. It's not hard work. Wish the pay was better, but I like it. I genuinely like going to work everyday. Our lead, Cody, makes it a good place to work for us all too.

Things aren't great for me. But they could be worse. My left foot has been hurting like almost continously for the last month. Bleh. I might have a heel spur. I know I need to lose weight. Dur. And I'm working on it.

I miss FFXI. I played that game like a friggin maniac. My character, Sprocket, was my boy. He was a level 75 Red Mage. One of the more useful jobs in the game. And after 4 years of playing him, my boy got hacked and stolen. Really broke my heart.

Still living with mom. It's not so bad. It is what it is. We're supporting each other financially. So what can you do. I'd really like to move into a smaller house, one we could afford more easily.

I do have an iPod Touch. And I friggin love it. I subscribed to Sirius again, and I can listen to it on my iPod. It's 16 gigs, and i have over 2000 songs on it. Of all kinds. It's my sidekick. I can do alot with it, so long as I'm near a wi-fi connection. That last part kind of burns my ass.. it's hard to find a wi-fi link when I'm not at home.

Planning on going to see Dave Matthews on July 29! At Blossom. I can't friggin wait! Anyone who knows me knows DMB is my fave. And it'll be weird seeing them without Leroi Moore there, who was one of my faves.


R.I.P. LeRoi Moore

"It's always easier to leave than be left."

Most of you probably don't know who LeRoi Moore is.. but he was the saxophone player for the Dave Matthews Band, anyone who knows me knows they're my absolute favorite band.
I just about had tears in my eyes when I heard he died. He was such a talent, his playing was so passionate, but haunting at the same time. He was only 46.. he died after complications from an ATV accident..

We'll mission, Mr. Moore. Wherever you are now, it just became a better place.


The Scams We Weave

So.. I'm tryin to sell my PS3 on ebay, yes? Easy matter, or at least it should be. My buy it now price is pretty good, considering all you're gonna get with it.
So anywho..
Almost a day after I first put it up.. I get an e-mail from one Angela Bowness (or that's teh name I'm given). And this person says if I take my PS3 down and get ready to send it to her.. she'll give me $900 for it. Wow. Sounds awesome, right? But right away.. soemthign didn't feel right about it. I couldn't say what it was.. something in the back of my mind just wasn't registering this. So I checked out the user.. farmingjimangie. Now up to 2 years ago, this was a great buyer. All positives. But then the feedback stops, and doesn't start again till just a few days ago. And that one is negative.. saying that this user didn't pay, and the originating place was Nigeria. Yeesh. So I contact the buyer and ask them about this.. and they say it was a whole misunderstanding, and I 'dont have to worry about it'. Yes, I do have to worry about it. So I'm not gonna give my PS3 to this person. I just dont trust them.

But the fun doesn't end there!

Last night, my PS3 sold for the instant buy thing. Huzzah! Oh.. uh.. wait a sec..
I get a notification from PayPal about this. Apparently, they had a couple red flags thrown up. They said that they took the funds out of the buyer's account, but won't credit me with it until I ship it out, and give them a shipping number. For the buyer's protection and mine. So I'm wrestling with how I'm gonna do this.. when I get yet another e-mail saying that my listing and the results of it have been deleted! And that's because.. well the person who bought my PS3, they weren't the owner of the account! From what I understand, they hacked the account and made this purchase. Lol.. So it's a wash. I don't think I'm supposed to do anything more.. but ebay said I should relist my PS3 again.. which I might.

And then..

This morning I got yet another e-mail. From someone on behalf of the person who 'bought' my PS3 last night. They said they made a payment to me, and I should 'ship out the item immediately!!!'. Again, the address is Nigeria. All of these have been! So I reported this person, also. To both ebay and paypal. I dont think I should do anything more.. I'm not sure, really. For sure I'm not gonna be sendin this thing to Nigeria!

From what I remember.. Nigeria and all of west and southern africa is a haven for these kinds of scammers. And they'll run any kind of scam they can on anyone they can. it just so happens I'm educated enough about this sort of thing to be able to recognize when something is up. I know what to look for, and where to look. And luckily, ebay and paypal are on their toes about this kind of thing.

So I don't know what I'll do next. Maybe I'll put it up on ebay.. maybe i'll just try on Craig's List.. I'm not sure yet.

Let this be a lesson to ya, kiddies. Be careful when you're dealing with any kind of commerce over the net. You can never be to careful.. there is always someone out there trying to rip you off or make their lives a little better at the cost of your things.


Over The Horizon

Today's Easter, and I'm gonna be making a majority of the dinner. A task I'm not looking forward to. Oh, it's not the actual cooking part itself. It's not that. But making the holiday dinner was always my dad's job. And now.. he's not here. And it's not right.

Otherwise.. how are things?
Pretty miserable.
I'm in a real depression slump here, I think. Even if I feel happy with my friends, even if I feel great while I'm with that one special girl.. well they can't be around 24 hours a day. And it's when your by yourself that the ghosts that haunt you make themselves apparent. I just feel so.. down. I have no energy for anything. I just want to crawl under a rock and die most of the time.

Okay, let's change the subject.
Smash Brothers Brawl for the Wii is a hell of a fun game. I've unlocked all the characters but one. A character from Starfox (not Falco), and the only reason I haven't is because I'm not that interested in him. heh. I unlocked 'Toon Link', which is just Link from Windwaker, and he's pretty cool. Overall, it's a really fun game. There's so many game modes, you'd be hard pressed not to have something to do.
I also DL'ed 'Super Mario 3' on the Virtual Console. It's the last Mario game from the original Nintendo. It's still a fun game. I even remember some of the secrets from back in the day.
FFXI is going along well I think. I'm tryin to get our LS to come up with a fun LS-wide plot, something for all members to get in on. I dunno if we'll be able to pull it off, but there's no harm in trying.
My Dancer got up to 45 last night. I'm anxious for 50 to get the AF. I bought all the materials for it yesterday. I can't believe I have to have an AF crafted.. oi.

My mom's not doin so great. She has her good days, but mostly not. I wish I could do more to help..but I can barely help myself at this point. All I can do is my best.

I've found I'm pretty good at small handyman things around the house. I guess I learned more from my dad than I realized. There really hasn't been a job I've set myself to do that I haven't known how to do. My bedroom door needs to be replaced.. and that might be out ofmy skill range.

Well that's it for now.


Frozen Flare

I've been having a hard day. Week. Month. It's just been hard, and not getting any easier.
It's February now, and my father died in Novemeber. And I still feel.. listless. Like I'm expecting it to be some grand joke being played on me.
I've been weepy all day, I feel like dren. And I can't pull myself out of it, no matter what I try.

I've moved in with my mom, as most of you know. Got my own little room, little being the working term. But I've gotten pretty comfortable in it. I got it just the way I want, I think. I kind of wish I had a smaller bed, so I could have more room. But I don't think that's in the cards.

My ankle's feeling better. I sprained it badly the second week of Decemeber. And here it is 2 months later, and it's almost finally healed. It's been a real roadblock in my plans, in my progress.

I don't really feel like typing anymore. I might go play some Xbox or something.
Talk to ya later.


The Dream Is Over.. Or Has It Just Begun?

I can not put to words precisely how I've been feeling this passed week. It's been 1 week and 1 day since my father passed away. Since I was forced into telling the doctors to let him go. And I must wonder, will this what I feel in my heart ever be relieved? Will this utter depression and heartache ever let up? When my brother died, when he was taken far to early also, I dealt with it far differently. I didn't have as many friends as I do now to rely on. I didn't have a place to vent my feelings and thoughts as I do now, this blog namely. I kept things on the inside, and that ate me up. It's one of the reasons I'm so heavy today, I needed some outlet. It was going to be food or drugs or alcohol.

But now my life is a bit different. I've grown a little, I've learned the proper ways to deal with these awful feelings. Even if I don't always do what I should. Like talk to my mom about how I feel. Or my other relatives, for that matter. I've just been sulking, just going through the motions of life, little more. I've been helping my mom.. working on moving in with her. And little else. I want to look at all of this as a new beginning in my life. But i don't know if I can. There is just so much missing in my life now. There is just so much I would have liked to said to my father. Sure, I said my goodbyes to him. He knows how I felt about him. But.. it's out of my hands now, isn't it?

I found a site that deals with the issues of esophogial cancer, the cancer that killed my father. It's located here. I found it quite informative, and maybe it's a resource I can use to get myself and others around me through this time.

On a similar note.. my mom had to take my gramma to the hospital this morning. Ugh. Apparently she's had a sort of mini-stroke. No doubt caused by what happened with my dad. My gramma, she loved my dad like one of her own sons. Usually in-laws don't really get along, but gramma cared so much for my dad. I feel bad for her. For us all, of course.

I feel tired, just so tired. I thought i was out of this slump of depression, but today I realized it's ruling my life once more. And I want to pull out of it, I do. But I don't know if I can this time.


The Promised Land

These passed few days, I knew they would indeed be the hardest on us so far. And I certainly called that one.

Wednesday night was calling hours. That was a whole ordeal in of itself. My mom proved she’s way stronger than I am. Almost 3 hours of being on our feet and greeting people. I don’t think I knew a quarter of the people there, but I said ‘Oh of course I remember you!’, not wanting to offend anyone. And hoping no one called my bluff. I’m just awful with putting names to faces, with remembering names. I had to take multiple little breaks and sit down for a few minutes in another room and mebbe get some water. And by the end of it, both me and my mom’s feet just ached. Ugh. And seeing my dad there for the first time in the casket.. it really smacked me in the face. I did my best to seem courteous to everyone, to keep a smile on. But really.. I mean I didn’t wanna be there. I so didn’t. So I apologize if I was rude to you there.
My dad, I think, didn’t think he had many friends in life. But I think the sheer amount of people that showed up that night would be evidence to the contrary. They had to open up one of the outer doors of the funeral home to accommodate more people. Then the Canton Police had to come to block off traffic to the near road, due to the amount of people there. It was really something to see.

But today, Thursday, was the actual funeral. And I knew this would be the tough one for me personally. Mom asked me to wake her up at 7AM, so I set my alarm and all. 7AM got here very fast, and I gave her a call. I had planned on sleeping for another hour or so.. but that wasn’t happening. So I got my lazy ass out of bed, and I decided to check my e-mail. Now I had started to write a eulogy on Monday.. but sitting here at my desk this morning.. I felt the need to totally redo it. I don’t know why. I just felt the need. So I deleted the old one, and I did it over. I set ‘End of the end’ on repeat play on my WinAmp, and I just typed. I took some of what I wrote on my previous blog post for it. Because.. well I said it well enough there. I headed to mom’s around 9AM or so and got dressed.. didn’t look as nice as I would have liked, but I went with what I had. Got my speech, my dad’s ring on, my jacket (knew it’d be awfully cold today), and we headed to the funeral parlor once more. Ugh. We get there, and now I’m feeling the nerves in my stomach starting up.

This whole time, I’ve been pretty much keeping the tears at bay when I’m around my mom or any of our friends. Not always on purpose, mind you. It’s like there’s a switch in my head. When I see someone I love crying.. the switch is thrown and my own emotions and needs are set aside so I can be stronger for them. It’s just the way I’m wired, I guess. But also, I don’t want to be the guy who didn’t cry at his father’s funeral. When I hear a guy say ‘I didn’t even cry at my dad’s funeral’, I immediately think they have something going on inside. It’s just not right. So for the funeral today, I told myself that it was okay to let myself go this once. No one will think less of me for tears. That’s the 2 months of therapy I had last summer talking.

The reverend arrived, Rev. Dodson, who I just love. He’s really one of the kindest and most prolific men I have ever come across. I’ve only really spoken to him twice in my life, and both times at the worst of circumstances. When my brother died and when my father passed away. But from those two short experiences I took away a profound respect for the man.
Nancy played Amazing Grace on the organ there in the chapel.. which was really just the beginning of the end for me. Amazing Grace, that was my dad’s song. If it was sung properly, it always brought a tear to my dad’s eyes. It was really important for us to have it there in one capacity or another.
The services started, and much to my surprise (and chagrin), I was up first. The reverend asked me to the podium, and I got up there in front of everyone. Oh God they’re all staring right at me, aren’t they? I did my best to not make eye contact with anyone. If I did, I knew I had zero chance of getting through this. Towards the end I had a really hard time keeping it together, but I did. My voice got thick a couple of times, my chin trembled through most of it, I was sniffling through the middle parts, but I did it.
For those of you who didn’t make it, here’s my remarks. Yes, some of it may look familiar to you.

"When I first started writing this on Monday, I wasn’t sure in what direction I would want to go with it. There was just so much in my mind I wanted to say.. so many feelings and emotions I wanted to convey. So many things I wanted to say. I wanted to make some profound speech in his honor, maybe to try and make him proud of me just once more, if I could. On the night he passed, Sunday, I eventually got on the computer that night.. and I made a blog post about my father’s passing. About how I was feeling, about our relationship, what he meant to me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was writing most of his eulogy then.

In the final weeks of his life, I visited my dad in the hospital. When we could, we talked. Small talk, mostly. Never about what was happening to him. Eventually it got to the point where he couldn’t talk anymore, so I would talk. I would sit at his bedside and just.. talk. About what was going on in my life, about mom, about how I wanted to try and make it so everyone around me was okay. I told him I’d make him proud. And near the end, it didn’t feel like I was speaking to him anymore, to the man I knew in life. It was like an empty shell to me. I think before his body finally gave out, before his body lost it’s strength to fight, he was already gone. His new journey had begun. A trip I couldn’t go with him on (as it was with so many of our road trips) had began, and instead of me sitting in the passenger seat, it was my little brother. This is how I chose to see the last week or so of his life. Because I feel that every ending is really a new beginning.

And I choose not to remember him as he was at the end. Laying in that damned bed. No, that’s not how I will remember this great man. He's the man who sat in the middle of the boat when we three (Zack, dad, myself) went fishing. Maybe because eventually he knew one of us would wrestle the other into the water. He was the one directing traffic when we 'processed' deer at Rudy’s. He had me do the final cleaning of the deer, perhaps because he knew I didn’t have the fortitude to ‘field dress’ them. He was the one who would sing along to old country songs at the top of his lungs during our very numerous road trips. The man who would look over my shoulder while I grilled cheeseburgers, and made comment on how I made them better than he could. He was the man who sat in his chair while I sat on the couch, and we just watched TV together. Especially shows on Discovery and National Geographic. And we wouldn't just watch them.. we'd talk about them. We'd have real discussions about them. He was the man who tell me how to fix anything, or how to do something that needed to be done. Whatever it was.. he knew how to do it.

The bad times are there to, in my mind. But they aren't important, they aren't the memories that shine in my memory. I remember the man I loved. And who loved me. And he told me I could do anything I wanted.. and I believed it, simply because my dad said it. He was.. he IS the man I look up to. The man I wanted to be all my life. Some people wanted to be firefighters and astronauts.. I wanted to be as good a man as my father was. No, I just wanted to be HALF the good man he was. He was my role-model, and my moral compass.

Since Sunday, there’s a song I’ve been listening to over and over. A song by Paul McCartney. Because it seemed so appropriate. A song about the ending of a life being more than just a sad time for those still living. About how in death, a different kind of life begins.
At the end of the end
It's the start of a journey
To a much better place
And this wasn't bad
So a much better place
Would have to be special
No reason to cry
No need to be sad
At the end of the end

When I would leave his house, we would always say the same thing to each other. And I’ll end with that. As I slipped my shoes on and opened the door, he would call out from wherever he was in the house “See ya, JayJay, love ya hun”. And I would look over my shoulder with a smile and say “See ya pop. I love you.”

Okay, speech over, time to head back to my seat. But I didn’t. Not for a few seconds. Eventually though I joined my mom, and she whispered to me how beautiful it was, so did my uncle Rod.

The good reverend started his sermon.. and my remarks was like a 3rd grade writing exercise compared to his sermon. I was really just blown away by it. I cried through most of it, of course. Hey, I was done with my remarks, no need to keep that switch flipped any longer. I have to admit, that as much as I did truly love the reverend’s sermon, there were some parts I don’t think I even heard. Sometimes, I just felt myself staring at my father in that coffin. And the whole world blanked out around me. There was just me and my tears.

The sermon ends, and now everyone walks passed the casket to pay final respects. And they of course have to hug mom and I and all. And a lot of people said it was a really good speech. Took courage and all to do it. Anyone who knows me knows I’m an attention whore, especially when that attention is a compliment geared towards me. At that moment, I just couldn’t truly appreciate what everyone said to me about my speech. Because my head was already in the next part of this whole thing.
The reverend, however, did pull me aside and said it was simply a spectacular speech. The kind that he would think took weeks to write. That made me feel really good. To hear someone I admire as much as I do the good reverend say something like that.. it just felt really good.

My mother, grandmother and I get into the limo, then. And we head to the cemetery. Now I knew that this was going to be a full military burial and all.. but truly I was not expecting this. It makes me well up a little in tears just thinking about it.
We pull up to the cemetery, and I look out the window..
I see 2 current active duty soldiers standing there across the way from where my father’s casket will be. They’re from the Army, and standing at full attention. Oh God that was rough seeing. It was just amazing. And then I saw the rifle troop from the local American Legion (Troop 221, I think?) standing at attention, and one of them with a bugle horn. Oh God this is going to be hard. The hearse pulls up, and the pallbearers take the casket to the gravesite, with the American flag draped over it. Now pardon me if I get the exact sequence of events off.. I was kind of dizzy at this point from all of the emotion oozing out of every pore on my body. I think as the 2 soldiers marched to the casket, the American Legion guys did the rifle salute. The 21 Gun Salute. The first shot made more than a few people jump, of course. I was kind of expecting it, but I still felt myself jump a little. I felt myself squeeze my mom’s hand just a little harder for a second. As the 2 soldiers got to their places and began folding the flag, ‘Taps’ started to play. Ah Christ..
You know.. during his life, my father didn’t talk much about his time in the Army. He just didn’t. He never really shared any of the events that happened in Vietnam. Which was a hint about just how horrible it was for him. But there was never any doubt about his patriotism, or that he was proud to serve in the U.S. Army. And to see these guys honoring my father in this way.. oh man it was just to much. It made my heart swell in pride and gratitude.
So they fold the flag.. and my mom lets go of my hand and kind of nudges me forward. And I’m like.. what? What’s wrong? I see one of the soldiers, the one not holding the flag of course, salute the other one, salute the flag, and he holds it. It was so very touching. And then the soldier holding the flag, he makes eye contact with me.. and he marches to me.

He was going to present me with the flag.

What an honor.. an honor I don’t even deserve, and I know it. To accept this flag from this brave soldier in such a state.. I have NEVER felt so honored.. and humbled.. in my short life. I tried to keep eye contact with him, he deserved at least that much for what he was doing. But I just couldn’t. Maybe I was afraid to show him my tears. Maybe somewhere deep inside I felt that I didn’t deserve to look such a man in the eyes. But he presented me with the flag.. and he recited the following:
"As a representative of the United States Army, it is my high privilege to present you this flag. Let it be a symbol of the grateful appreciation this nation feels for the distinguished service rendered to our country and our flag by your loved one."
And with tears trickling down my cheeks in steady rivers, I held that folded flag close to my heart with one hand, and I shook that man’s hand with the other. I think I said thank you.. God I hope I did, in the least.
So the reverend wraps it up.. and people start to step away from the casket. And I’m in such a daze at that point. All I know is I’m holding the flag that was on my father’s casket.. and I’m staring at his grave. Josh and my mom shook the hands of the American Legion guys who were there.. and yes I know I should have, also. But I was just in a state of shock, I think. I looked for those 2 soldiers, the ones who did the flag folding ceremony.. but I couldn’t find them. They were gone. For a moment.. I questioned if they were ever there. The flag I was cradling to my chest was proof that they were.

Everyone starts back towards their cars, and my mom stands with me for a few moments at my father’s casket and grave. Keep in mind it’s like 35 degrees out at this moment, and the wind’s blowing harshly. But I didn’t feel it. I just stood there staring at his casket. A few gold colored leaves danced at my feet a moment, and then were carried away in the day’s cold wind. My mom tugged on my arm, to urge me towards the limo. But she will attest to the fact I didn’t move. I didn’t budge. I just stood there, staring at the casket. Maybe if I stand there long enough, this will have been some grand trick. Maybe none of this is real. But the harshness of the wind reminded me that it was real enough. And it was time to leave. I wanted to salute my father’s casket, I think. I was seriously considering it the whole time I was standing there. But that seemed.. well tacky. I’ve never even been close to serving in any branch of the military (but if I was in physical condition, have no doubt I would). And I never saluted him in life.. but maybe I felt the need to do something more. To finally say goodbye in my own way.

Finally, I was the only one standing there at the grave. Everyone else was in their cars. And everyone was respectful enough of me to not have moved their cars, not to leave yet, until I was away from my father’s grave. In my head.. I said ‘you are the heart and soul of my life, dad..’ and the out loud, in something of a whimpering whisper, I said


And I got into the limo with mom and gramma.

The ride back to the funeral home consisted mainly of mom and gramma talking about the service, or making small talk.. and me sobbing softly to myself as I clutched the flag to my chest. They had removed my father’s wedding ring and gave it to me, and I wore it the whole ride home. I think.. that’s the reason I feel a little better today. Because I have finally had a real chance to let my emotions out. I mean really let them out, and not be afraid.

We finally got home, and a small army was in our house now. People we had invited over after the services for food and to talk. It was a merry time, for the most part. And I wish I could have participated more, but at the beginning, I just felt awful. I really wanted to be alone. My first, and strongest, instinct was to sneak away from the crowd of people. From the food and the drink, and just be with myself and my thoughts. But I didn’t, being the adult I am. I faced my emotions, and I wasn’t afraid to express them or my thoughts to those around me. That’s the 2 months of therapy I had last summer talking.
Eventually Josh..
Josh.. let me tell you about Josh. He’s my cousin, of course. And over the passed couple of years, he’s become one of my closest friends. He has. He’s nearly the spitting image of my brother, and after Zack died, we did become closer. He’s had a shitty life, his parents really did him wrong. I think he saw my dad as the surrogate dad he never had. And my father, he did love him like one of his own sons. Maybe that’s one of the reasons Josh and I are so close. I truly do feel like he’s my brother sometimes, and not just my cousin. We talk about things that we don’t feel comfortable talking about with others. We’ve cried on each other’s shoulders, we’ve been there for each other. He’s been there way more than I’ve been there for him, but I do try. And everyone comments on how we’re trouble makers when we’re together.. but I think they’re exaggerating.
Or they’re right on, one of those.
Eventually Josh challenged me to yet another game of Bowling on the Wii.. and I was happy to oblige. And I promptly waylayed him. It felt good. Then his ‘kids’ took turns on the Wii, my aunt did, and me and Josh finished the night with playing a few holes of Golf on the Wii. It really makes me feel good when he and I can sit down like that and have fun, to play with or against each other like that. I think I just enjoy interacting with him with something I’m actually kind of good at.

Everyone heads home, and me and mom finally get some dinner. Sandwiches, of course. I play Super Mario Galaxy a little.. and eventually I come home. And that’s my day. It’s been a long and a hard couple days.. but I feel like I’ve gotten over a hump, finally. I think all of us have.

And thank you to everyone who has been there to support me. Including my NetFriends (that’s right, I made that up!). In alphabetical order: Ashley, Chris (my lil buddy!), Missa, Nessa and Rua. I really appreciate you guys’ patience with me. I’m so gonna try to be faster on my posts!
And thanks to everyone who is here who have supported us. And those who have seen my posts about dad through Mary’s blog. I really do love you, Mary. You’re like that really awesome aunt/second mom who likes talking about video games with me! And anyone who knows me knows the surefire way to my heart is by talking about video games.

And life goes on now. For all of us. I’ll do all I can to make my life now one my father would be proud of. A good life with those I love. And that’s the most wonderful thing there is, isn’t it?


The Obituary

Ronald W. "Duey" Dudek, age 57, of Massillon passed away on Sunday, November 11, 2007 following complications from surgery. He was born November 16, 1949 to the late Ruth and George Dudek. He was a 1968 graduate of Perry High School and was employed at one job for 38 years at Beaver Excavating Company in Canton. Ronnie loved his family and friends and lived life to the fullest. His son and best friend, Jason, and his beloved nephews, Joshua and Justin Selogy lived for football any time, any place, he was ready. Ronnie proudly served his country in the U.S. Army, serving one year in Vietnam from 1970-1971. In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by his grandparents, Ralph and Eleanora Kerzan and Olga and Ignat Dudek; father-in-law, Louis Selogy Sr.; brother-in- law, Louis Selogy Jr.; and son, Zachary Dudek. He leaves his loving wife of 38 years, Sherryl (Selogy) Dudek, whom he married July 19, 1969; son, Jason Dudek of Massillon; brother, Larry Dudek of North Carolina; sister, Sondra (Dennis) Deeser of Perry Twp.; mother-in-law, Gloria Selogy of Navarre; special brother- in-law and sister-in-law, Rod and Judy Selogy of Navarre; nieces, Jessica and Kourtney Selogy; nephews, Aaron Dudek of Cary, NC, and Ryan Dudek of Fuquay Virona, NC; aunts and uncles, Rex and Nancy Kerzan of Navarre, and Jerry and Nancy Kerzan of Louisville, OH; and a special family member, Amanda Warrick Smith. Funeral services will be Thursday at 11 a.m. in the Reed Funeral Home Canton Chapel, with the Rev. David Dodson officiating. Burial will follow in Rose Hill Memorial Garden. Calling hours will be Wednsday from 6-8 p.m. in the funeral home.


He's Gone. Goodbye.

My father passed away tonight at 7:40PM.

He had surgery to remove a cancer tumor from his ausophagus (sp). They had to remove his whole stomach, since it was also filled with cancer. A very risky surgery, even for someone in top health. But my dad was weak.. this cancer was kicking his ass. But the surgery went as good as it possibly could have. He did very well through it, in fact. It was a few days later that he had problems. I was there on one of the days he was starting to have problems. We talked a little.. we talked about the Massillon/McKinley game, which I didnt really care about. We talked about the Tribe, and how heartbreaking that was. And of course about the Browns. I just did my best to keep him comfortable.

The next time I saw him, he was sedated. His lungs were working far more hard than they should have, the respirator was basically keeping him alive. It was.. really difficult for me to see him like that. With all those tubes and hoses coming out of him. It just broke my spirit into pieces.

Over the next week or so, his body got progressively worse. A few days ago, his kidneys failed. That's when I went to see him for the last time. I sat with him for an hour and a half, and I just talked to him. And cried the whole time. And got really angry. I don't know at what. Maybe just at the situation. At how unfair I thought it was. And that night, I made peace with him I think. I said my goodbyes. I told him I'd take care of mom, that I wouldn't let anything happen to her or any of our family. I'd make him proud, I'd do all I could to make him smile while he's watching over us. I think on that night, in the back of my mind I knew he wouldn't be waking up.

So Sunday (today) comes around. I'm watching the Browns game on mom's new TV. A few people come over on and off during the day, as has been the norm ofr the passed few days. Around.. 7PM or so we got a phone call from my dad's nurse. She said that maybe we should come in. She just had a feeling, she said. And again, that anger and determination started. We had some people over, and I told them we're gonna go see my dad, and I said sorry we're rushing them out. But that's what we're doing. So I drive me and mom over, and we make small talk. I drop her off at the entrance and park, and then I go into the hospital. I think.. I musta looked more serious and angry than I felt. because the security guys were eyeballing me, and asking me if I knew where I was going. maybe it was my general demeanor and the big black coat I was wearing. So I said I didnt need directions from them, and left it at that. I walk abck into the ICU.. and I see my aunt Sonnie (Saundra) sitting there with my mom in Dad's room. And I'm like.. how'd she get here so fast? who called her?
Here's where it gets a little creepy.
See, Sonnie is my dad's fraternal twin. They were born like 4 minutes apart. She was at work tonight.. and she told her boss she just 'had a feeling', and had to leave to see my dad. She felt she needed to be here. She had a feeling. And ten minutes later, my dad coded. His heart stopped.
My dad's heart, it's been working overtime since yesterday. His blood pressure has been way way down, and his heart was trying to compensate. To the point it just gave out. So immediately they start CPR, and a bunch of doctors and nurses get into the room to help. Just like you see on TV. I told, and then yelled at, my mom and aunt to get away from the room. because.. they just didnt need to see that. I knew they didn't, I didn't want them to see my dad like that. About a minute and a half into the CPR, I made a decision in my head. I asked my mom if she agreed.. and she did. I went into the room, and with tears coming down my cheeks, I asked them to stop the CPR. To let him go. I think.. if they did succeed, he'd just be in that same coma he's been in the for passed 2 weeks. He doesn't want to be like that. No way.
And he was gone.
My mom, of course, was inconsolable. So was my Aunt. But I put my emotions on hold for the moment.. things needed to be taken care of. I called the family on my cell, my cousin, my mom's best friend. I cried, of course. But I know I needed to be strong for my mom. I need to be.

My gramma came then.. so did some of my aunts and uncles. And they said goodbye. And I.. being the coward I am.. I couldn't bring myself to even look in my dad's direction. I was scared. I didn't want to see him laying there. I sat with my brother when he died, I sat in the hospital room he died in. And it's haunted me ever since. Same with my gramma. I don't want that with my dad.

I think.. I know.. I refuse to remember him like that. I refuse. He isn't that person laying in the hospital bed with all those tubes hooked up. He's the man who sat in the middle of the boat when we three (Zack, dad, myself) went fishing. He was the one directing traffic when we 'processed' deer. He was the one who would sing along to old country songs during our very numerous road trips. The man who would look over my shoulder while I grilled cheeseburgers, and made comment on how I made them better than he could. He was the man who sat in his chair while I sat on the couch, and we just watched TV together. Especially shows on Discovery and National Geographic. And we wouldn't just watch them.. we'd talk about them. We'd have real discussions about them. He was the man who tell me how to fix anything, or how to do something that needed to be done. Whatever it was.. he knew how to do it.
The bad times are there to, in my mind. But they aren't important, they aren't the memories that shine in my memory. I remember the man I loved. And who loved me. And he told me I could do anything I wanted.. and I believed it, simply because my dad said it. He was.. he IS the man I look up to. The man I wanted to be all my life. Some people wanted to be firefighters and astronaughts.. I wanted to be as good a man as my father was. No, I just wanted to be HALF the good man he was.

Now.. as anyone knows who reads my blogs, they know I like to put in songs and poems in posts I feel strong about. So.. what do I put in a post about the death of my father? Of my best friend? Of my role model? Do I put in a sad song, to reflect how I feel, how anyone who knew my father MUST feel? Maybe something to reflect the mood of my world at this moment.
No.. I am happy for my father. He is in a much better place, he is with my little brother, he is with his grampa (whom he loved dearly). He is gone to a place beyond, and he is looking over our shoulders and watching over us. And a song did come to mind for me..

End Of The End by Paul McCartney

At the end of the end
It's the start of a journey
To a much better place
And this wasn't bad
So a much better place
Would have to be special
No need to be sad

On the day that I die I'd like jokes to be told
And stories of old to be rolled out like carpets
That children have played on
And laid on while listening to stories of old

At the end of the end
It's the start of a journey
To a much better place
And a much better place
Would have to be special
No reason to cry

On the day that I die I'd like bells to be rung
And songs that were sung to be hung out like blankets
That lovers have played on
And laid on while listening to songs that were sung

At the end of the end
It's the start of a journey
To a much better place
And a much better place
Would have to be special
No reason to cry
No need to be sad
At the end of the end

And I'll end this post as 99% of my interactions with my dad ended. With me walking out the door.. and him calling out
"See ya, JayJay. Love ya, hun."
and then I would always look over my shoulder and smile as I say

"See ya pop."


Fine Mess

That's all I am right now. A mess.

Thursday night I started getting these awful stomachaches. I mean awful. It started when I was at mom and dad's. I went to get them some chinese. And when I got back.. I could hardly stand. I mean I felt really dizzy. So immmediately I headed home.. and the whole drive I was doubled over in pain, and I was sweating like I've never sweated before.

Friday I was still sick.. and Saturday I was feeling better physically, but not emotionally. I was an emotional wreck. Crying at every song that urged any emotion out of me.. Freebird, Myung's Theme (orchestral, from Macross), The Oath (from FFVIII), #41 (Dave Matthews).. just a mess.

Yesterday I felt a bit better.. but today I feel sick again. Everyone around me says it's stress.. which I know it is. About trying to get a job? Yeah a little bit.. but mostly about my dad. It's just so terrible to me.. I can't even wrap my head around it.. all I can do is react. I can feel myself getting sicker just thinking about it. And I don't know what else to do..

I've also got these.. weird bumps on the top of my head. They showed up on Saturday (well I first noticed them Saturday night). They don't hurt unless I touch them..

A fine mess, that's all I am. That's all I'm good for right now.

But.. I do want to thank EVERYone who has dropped me a note or called me or IM'd me with their support. You have no idea how much my heart swells to know we have so many people backing us right now.


When The Levee Breaks

My dad has cancer.

Saying the words still doesn't ring home for me. Not yet. It feels like it's some dumb plot in a TV show I'm watching. Or not happening to us.

The story, you ask? Alright.

A couple days ago.. my father fainted. Like had a dizzy spell and was on the floor. My mother took him to the emergency room. They checked him out.. and he was low about 3 pints of blood. Which shouldn't be. He was bleeding somewhere or somethign. So they admit him for further testing. He says that he's had trouble drinking liquids.. which was news to us. So yesterday they sent a probe down his throat to see if they can find anything. And they do.

A lump. A lump at the bottom of his asophogus on his stomach.

They don't know what it is, so they biopsy this. And today we get the results back. It's cancer. it's really cancer. They haven't determined if it's spread yet.. they don't know what kind it is.

My mother.. she's a mess, of course. it breaks my heart to see her cry, it really does. And she coulnd't stop crying today. All I could do was be there for her. That's it. I wish there was so much more I could do. Anything.

So.. my dad's going to have to go through chemo, all that. It's going to be an ugly bumpy road coming to us. But I know we'll get through it. We have to. We always have by sticking together.

If you're reading this, please put my family in your prayers. If you don't believe in God or anything like that, just send your good thoughts.
Alot of our friends have already called or stopped by my mom's house. Word spreads fast. And we couldn't be happier for the support.

I spent the day with mom between visiting dad in the hospital. He's putting on a strong front for her, for everyone. But he's scared. We all are. And mom.. well I was there for her best I could be. Brought her lunch, cleaned a little for her.. whatever I could do.


I Loves My Mommy!

Yesterday I get up, and me and mom were supposed to go shopping. We were supposed to go to a thrift store, actually. I wanted to scope out some things for eBay. And she wanted to go to the fabric store.. of course. So I get to their house, and she says 'lets go to Wal-mart first'. So I'm like.. okay. I didn't mind, it was nice to get out and go shopping with her.
And on the way there we start to talk about LCD TV's. Which we have before. And she asks if I'd be happy with one from someplace like wal-mart, or if they should instead try Best Buy or something. And I told her i'd be happy with one from anywhere. It's not like I'm picky about that kind of thing.
So we get to Wal-Mart, and she makes her way back to electronics department. And she tells me to pick a tv. Huzzah!
So we looked them all over.. and I compared them all. And we decided on this really nice Polaroid television. HD, LCD all that. See?

(Click on the pic to see the full size)
It's a Christmas present, but she gave it to me early. How much do I love this TV? But like with most things, there's a small hang up.

I get the TV into my car (the guy who helped me load it thought of a clever way to do it without one of us having to sit on the roof on the way home). I get it home.. and I lug the thing up the steps to my apartment. And this TV is heavy.. easily as heavy as the monster of a TV I have now. And the box doesn't really have any good handholds on it. Sucks. So I ginally get it into the house and I crack the box open. Take it all out, and start assembling the lil stand. And I'm sweating like a whore in church.. it's so humid. I get it together.. grab all the lil plastic packs it came with (had wires and insturctions and such in them).. and I haul it into my room. Get it all hooked up the way it should be.. sit down to get the remote control out of the plastic bag. Uh.. remote control? I look through the lil plastic packs, through the wires, and nothing. Oh I'm pissed now. I look through the box again, around where I unpacked it, even backtracked to my car. Nothing. Crap..
So I can't really watch TV on my TV yet because without the remote, I can't program the TV to watch it. Ugh. So I call up Polaroid to order a new one.. and of course they'll give it to me free, and I should get it in 7-10 days. Crap..
So I try to use the universal remote I have with it, maybe it can be used in the meantime. I look through the code book.. no Polaroid TV. I get online to the site for the remote.. no code. It turns out Polaroid TV's can only be used with a Polaroid remote.. and you can't buy them in stores. Now if I had known that, I don't think I woulda bought a Polaroid TV. But, I did and it's here. Now I can't watch TV on it, but I can still play games on it. And man do my games look friggin awesome on it. Just incredible.

So I'm thrilled with my new TV. Even more when I get the remote for it!!


Midnight Burritos and Killin Old Men

So I decided to take a ride suddenly tonight to check out the hunter's moon. To get a good look at it. So I drove aorund for a while.. and then I decided to stop at Taco Bel for a late night snack and what not.

Here's where it gets interesting.

Now first off, I feel really bad that this happened. It's not funny in the least... it's what happened afterwards that's funny. I'm going to make a left to turn into Taco Bel, and it wasn't until the last minute that I saw this guy riding a chopper suddenly right there. He has to swerve to avoid me, I have to swerve a little to avoid him. But he doesn't drop his bike, he doesn't wreck out or anything and it's all good. he's fine, I make sure he rides off okay as I'm pulling in.
NOW it gets funny.
I pull into the drive thru lane of el Taco, and the chopper guy pulls up in the lil parking lot section next to it. So he's like right next to my car. He starts yelling at me, asking me "What was that back there?!" and the like. And I say plainly and calmly.. I didn't see you until the last second. Which was totally true, I didn't, and it was my fault. I copt to it. But then he starts to go on and on. Now I understand he's excited and all, his heart rate is probably going a mile a minute. Which is why I ddn't get to flustered. He's looking at me like I'm retarded, and he keeps asking what my problem is. And he stutters a little, and he's like "I might stutter a little when I'm excited, but tht doens't mean I'm weak!" apparently he thought I wanted to fight him or something. And then he's like "Ya know it's assholes like you that's the reason so many riders die every year!" to which I calmly answer.. well maybe you should wear a helmet, dude. And then he informs me that there's a cop right in the next parking lot.. and I'm like.. well okay. What does that have to do with anything? Like I siad.. I understand he was pissed. But I apologized, I'm not sure what else he wanted. Should I have gotten out of my car and begged forgiveness, or spilled some of my own blood to appease his Hog Gods? Fuck no, I said I'm sorry and I'll be more careful. And if he's not happy with that.. tough shit. It was funny, though. The line starts moving, and I tellhim to have a good night and move on. And he sits there for a few moments, lookin like he's trying to decide whether or not to get out off his bike and come at me. But he doesn't, of course. Maybe he knows I would have laid waste to him, and then taken his chopper. He looked like he was as old as my dad, and he informed me (for some reason) that he had 2 strokes in the last 10 years.

Good times.


Float On


Looking For The Light

It's really such a nice day out. I should be doing something outside. But.. I'm just not in the mood to. Besides, I've got plenty of work to do inside. So.. I shall.

I feel a little dismayed right now. I think that Chris and Rua have been exchanging text messages. I mean.. that's not the part I feel dismayed about. I'm glad they do. I feel dismayed that Chris would text someone he only knows from online.. and yet he refused time and time again to give me his cell phone number. Some bullshit about keeping 'internet friends and real life friends separate'. I guess that doesn't always apply. Maybe if I showed more of an interest in Supernatural or was 'nicer' to him he would be more willing to give me his cell phone number. So yeah, I am a little hurt that he wouldn't give it to me.. and I've known him for what.. 6 years now? But I introduce he and Rua a couple months ago and it's okay?
Whatever. I know all of them have better conversations amongst themselves than they do with me. And I wish I could be better conversationalist with them.. it breaks my heart sometimes that I can't. So while they talk amongst themselves, I just kinda sit here quietly.
I'll probably get in trouble for writing all that.. but it's how I feel.

My mom bought me a really nice digital camera, that we should be getting in a coupld days. It'll really help me show better pics with my eBay pages. Speaking of eBay, I've been making some good money on it. And I enjoy doing it.

I can't really think of anything else right now.. guess I'll go some dishes. Or something.


I Know You

I Know You
I know you
you were too short
you had bad skin
you couldn't talk to them very well
words didn't seem to work
they lied when they came out of your mouth
you tried so hard to understand them
you wanted to be part of what was happening
you saw them having fun
and it seemed like such a mystery
almost magic
made you think that there was something wrong with you
you'd look in the mirror trying to find it
you thought that you were ugly
and that everyone was looking at you
so you learned to be invisible
to look down
to avoid conversation
the hours
ah the weekend nights, alone
where were you
in the basement?
in the attic?
in your room?
working some job?
just to have something to do
just to have a place to put yourself
just to have a way to get away from them
a chance to get away from the ones that made you feel so strange and ill-at-ease inside yourself
did you ever get invited to one of their parties
you sat and wondered if you would go or not
for hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
they would laugh at you
if you would know what to do
if you would have the right things on
if they would notice that you came from a different planet
did you get all brave in your thoughts
like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time
did you think that you might be "the life of the party"
that all these people were gonna talk to you
and you would find out that you were wrong
that you had a lot of friends
and you weren't so strange after all?
did you end up going
did they mess with you
did they single you out
did you find out that you were invited
because they thought you were so weird
yeah, I think I know you
you spent a lot of time full of hate
a hate that was pure as sunshine
a hate that saw for miles
a hate that kept you up at night
a hate that filled your every waking moment
a hate that carried you for a long time
yes I think I know you
you couldn't figure out what they saw and the way they lived
home was not home
your room was home
a corner was home
the place they weren't- that was home
I know you
you're sensitive
and you hide it, because you fear getting stepped on one more time
it seems that when you show a part of yourself that is the least bit vulnerable
someone takes advantage of you
one of them steps on you
they mistake kindness for weakness
but you know the difference
you've been the brunt of their weakness for years
and strength is something you know a bit about
because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive
you know yourself very well now
and you don't trust people
you know them too well
you try to find that "special person"
someone you can be with
someone you can touch
someone you can talk to
someone you won't feel so strange around
and you found that they don't really exist
you feel closer to people on movie screens
yeah, I think I know you
you spend a lot of time daydreaming
and people have made comment to that effect
telling you that you're "self-involved" and "self-centered"
but they don't know, do they
about the long nightshifts alone
about the years of keeping yourself company
all the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
the hours of indecision
the intense depression
the blinding hate
the rage that made you stagger
the devastation of rejection
maybe they do know
but if they do
they sure do a good job of hiding it
it astounds you how they can be so smooth
how they seem to pass through life as if life itself was some divine gift
and it infuriates you to watch yourself with your apparent skill,
and finding every way possible to screw it up
for you, life is a long trip
terrifying and wonderful
birds sing to you at night
the rain and the sun
the changing seasons
are true friends
solitude is a hard won ally
faithful and patient
yeah, I think I know you

~Henry Rollins

About Me

So what about me.. I'm a geek. Born and bred. My mom often says I'm just a big kid. A.. a really big kid. I live in Massillon, Ohio. I like sketching, coloring on the comp, video games.. and all other things a self proclaimed geek would dig. Hi Nessa, Chris, Rua and Ash! And hi Mary! I'm currently unemployed, but workin hard to change that. Workin.. really hard. oi. Welcome to my blog!!