11.19.2007

The Dream Is Over.. Or Has It Just Begun?

I can not put to words precisely how I've been feeling this passed week. It's been 1 week and 1 day since my father passed away. Since I was forced into telling the doctors to let him go. And I must wonder, will this what I feel in my heart ever be relieved? Will this utter depression and heartache ever let up? When my brother died, when he was taken far to early also, I dealt with it far differently. I didn't have as many friends as I do now to rely on. I didn't have a place to vent my feelings and thoughts as I do now, this blog namely. I kept things on the inside, and that ate me up. It's one of the reasons I'm so heavy today, I needed some outlet. It was going to be food or drugs or alcohol.

But now my life is a bit different. I've grown a little, I've learned the proper ways to deal with these awful feelings. Even if I don't always do what I should. Like talk to my mom about how I feel. Or my other relatives, for that matter. I've just been sulking, just going through the motions of life, little more. I've been helping my mom.. working on moving in with her. And little else. I want to look at all of this as a new beginning in my life. But i don't know if I can. There is just so much missing in my life now. There is just so much I would have liked to said to my father. Sure, I said my goodbyes to him. He knows how I felt about him. But.. it's out of my hands now, isn't it?

I found a site that deals with the issues of esophogial cancer, the cancer that killed my father. It's located here. I found it quite informative, and maybe it's a resource I can use to get myself and others around me through this time.

On a similar note.. my mom had to take my gramma to the hospital this morning. Ugh. Apparently she's had a sort of mini-stroke. No doubt caused by what happened with my dad. My gramma, she loved my dad like one of her own sons. Usually in-laws don't really get along, but gramma cared so much for my dad. I feel bad for her. For us all, of course.

I feel tired, just so tired. I thought i was out of this slump of depression, but today I realized it's ruling my life once more. And I want to pull out of it, I do. But I don't know if I can this time.

3 comments:

Patty said...

Jason wrote: "I feel tired, just so tired. I thought i was out of this slump of depression, but today I realized it's ruling my life once more. And I want to pull out of it, I do. But I don't know if I can this time."

You can pull out of it and will if you want to Jay! Wanting to is half the battle. Think back to all of those times you were so frustrated when your dad didn't listen to the doctor's advice or take more care of his health. Don't keep the cycle going. Break it. Want better for yourself and achieve it. You can. Get some help, someone you can trust and get to work. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

IsabellaCloset said...

Jason, Happy New Year!
Love ~Mary~

The Urban Chic said...

Jason, could you send me the link to the site you were talking about--esphogeal cancer. I am a lucky one as they fixed my GERD before it turned into cancer, but I want to be very informative--just in case.

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