8.01.2007

Fix You...

Mood: Weepy, angry
Watching: Nothing.


So I wake up this morning and see a couple messages on my phone. I check them, and it's my mom. She wants me to come over there and keep an eye on dad while she does yardwork. She thinks she's going to have to take him to the emergency room. God..
So I get over there, and he tells me what's going on. He's had numbness in his little fingers on each hand, he's just been out of energy for the passed few days, this morning when he got out of bed, his legs just gave out on him. Like they went dead suddenly. And he's been winded doing the easiest activities. Keeping in mind he had heart stents put in 2 years ago.. I made the decision for them and said we were going to the emergency room. He didn't want to, he has an appointment with his personal doctor on Friday and all. But that doesn't matter.. I wanted him to get looked at, so mom and I decided he needs to go. And he eventually agreed.
So we get there and wait for about 20 minutes in the waiting room, and they then let us in. Well they take dad back to get him looked at and all.. me and mom wait in this other waiting room. While we're waiting I gave her my iPod to listen to (she was cute trying to figure out how to put on my behind the head earphones) and I read some more of my book.
Anyways.. long story short.. about 3 hours later (I stayed the whole time with dad, mom went home after she was sure it wasn't his heart (I know she was exhausted)), the doctor comes in and tells us they got his blood labs back and all. Apparently, he's got a very mild case of anemia, which is mainly being caused by exhaustion. He's not getting enough good food and not enough liquids. His constant smoking and drinking probably doesn't help either.
So after we get everything taken care of, we're walking back to my car, and he says he feels noticibly better. No doubt due to the fact he had been on an IV of saline for the passed 3 hours (saline tastes just awful, by the way. I shoulda never tried it), and it no doubt replenished him a little.
So we get home.. and the first (and only) thing he does is bee-line for his chair and turn on his TV. Jesus Christ..
That's part of his fucking problem. He literally sometimes will sit all day in that effing chair and watch TV. And while he's sitting there, he'll puff on his cigars and sneak his alcohol. Usually gin and diet coke. Alcohol and caffeine, perfect.
So we try to talk to him about this.. tell him that he needs to eat during the day, even if he's not hungry. The whole time he's staring at the TV. I'm not even sure he's listening to what we're saying. That he needs to at least get up and excersise every once in a while. He needs to drink more GOOD fluids and food during the day. Even crackers or something. Listen, I know I'm not the picture of perfect health.. but I at least know what my emotional problems are (which all my other problems stem from) and I'm trying to change. But he just doesn't want to listen.. he thinks he knows best.
His mother had the same fucking problem. When she was in the hospital, she constantly said that the doctors didn't know what they were talking about, that she knew her body. Yeah well, that's one of the reasons she died so soon (relatively). And my dad is the same fucking way. He knows what's best, he'll do what he wants. After he got his heart stent, yes he cut down on the smoking and the drinking.. but not enough.
So while we're talking to him about this.. he fucking lights up another cigar. And now my mom's yelling at him to put it out. Now up to this point.. I'm kinda calm. Ya know, I stayed with dad and answered the doctor's questions when dad didn't know what to say.. I did his paperwork for him.. I helped him to my car and drove him home.. but when he lit that cigar, I just broke. I started talking calmly, and that turned into weeping/screaming. I'm yelling at him to put the cigar down, and he does after a couple puffs and looks at us and says (I kid you not) "I put it down, I put it down" and I yell "You fucking put it down after taking some puffs! And that's your god damned problem! That's one of the main reasons we were in that hospital today was because you need to smoke so much! You're fucking killing yourself and you don't seem to give a fuck! Yo're just like gramma, and you yelled at her for being so stubborn about her health!"
My cousin, Josh (the only cousin I really like.. he's really like my little brother to me), he just looks at me in disbelief. I NEVER blow up like that. I mean even when I'm yelling at someone, I'm not really yelling. I'm more or less informing them in a slightly louder voice, that's it. But I just lost it. Dad looks back to the TV, and I say "Maybe I should put my fucking fist through your TV! Maybe then you'd pay attention!" And it hurts.. because saying that seems to have caught his attention, cause he looked at me and said "I don't think you'd do that." And I tell him in this like strained wanting-to-scream-and-whisper-and-cry-all-at-the-same-time voice "Dare me to!"
So at this point my cousin left to go pick up some things for my mom at the store.. and now the three of us (me, mom and dad) start to have a lighter talk. I mean about why we're saying all this and acting like this. We're pissed off because we love him so god damn much and he's just killing himself slowly, and he doesn't seem to care. So finally he says he'll try to change, to follow the doctor's orders. And he goes back to watching TV, so does my mom. I think they wanted to just move passed all that. And I'm sitting there on the couch.. and I can still feel tears running down my cheeks. Even as I'm writing this I'm crying. I don't want to lose my dad.. He's the one I have admired since.. well forever. We have so much fun together, especially in these last few years. And the thought of him being gone when he's so young (again relatively).. it just breaks my heart. I don't want it.. I want him to get better, I want him to want to get better.
So mom invited me to stay for dinner (she's making SOS, my favorite), but I just don't want to. I'm just.. a wreck at this point. And I think my dad is pissed at me.. because this is really the first time I've ever REALLY stood up to him. I mean I've never yelled at him before like I did. But it needed to be done. He needs to know how I feel.. just how much I love him and how much he is a part of my life. I can't imagine leaving that house and not hearing him call out as I'm closing the door "See ya, JJ" and then I turn a little and call back "See ya, pop".. I just.. I can't..

If you haven't told the people close to you that you love them.. please do so. Before you close your eyes, and you've missed your chance forever.



When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

1 comment:

IsabellaCloset said...

Jason.. Tears are stream down my
face as I type this. I'm so upset to read about what happened yesterday. I talked to your Mother yesterday but not for long. She told me you were upset with your Father but I had no idea just how upset you really were until I read your post. What a wonderful Son you are! Your Mother and Father are so very blessed to have such a caring Son. How my heart goes out to you. You are scared you will loose your Father. It's good that your Father saw just how upset you really were. I know you feel awful having to yell at him BUT he needed to hear this. You, your Father & Mother are in my prayers. I so hope your Father will listen to you and to what the Doctor has to say on Friday. I love you like you are my Son! I hope today is a better day for you. Take care :-} ~Mary~

About Me

So what about me.. I'm a geek. Born and bred. My mom often says I'm just a big kid. A.. a really big kid. I live in Massillon, Ohio. I like sketching, coloring on the comp, video games.. and all other things a self proclaimed geek would dig. Hi Nessa, Chris, Rua and Ash! And hi Mary! I'm currently unemployed, but workin hard to change that. Workin.. really hard. oi. Welcome to my blog!!